Last night I re-read a scene I wrote last month and squealed over the guys I wrote. Not because I wrote them into existence (even though that's exciting) but because they're swoonable! The kisses were thrilling and the settings were dreamy and I wanted to curl under my quilt and read about Derek for hours. Because I love the story.
As much as I'm in love with my stories it's scary when I run into my friends that know I'm approaching the end of my rough draft and say they want to read it.
WILL SOMEONE ELSE LIKE MY WRITING TOO? WHAT IF EVERYONE HATES IT?
This is when the Rachel in my head chants develop a thick skin, develop a thick skin, because A) of course not everyone will like it, and many will probably hate it, even my best friends, and B) I want to publish, which means a lot of people will read my stuff. Which means a LOT of people will hate it. Depending on how well it publishes some people may blog about how much they hated it.
For example: Twilight. I loved those books and fantasize about telling Stephenie Meyer that I
don't care what everyone else seems to think--that I love Edward and
Bella and yes yes yes I have re-read their story and will again and
again. But when as a reader I'm hesitant to mention how much I love Twilight, how must the author feel? People say they hate it and question my taste in literature-- what does that say about the person who made it? Twilight is a huge joke worldwide, and does anyone think about how Stephenie Meyer feels when they whine about her books? I know, I know, she's laughing all the way to the bank.
Stephenie Meyer's the paramount success author in YA romance. She's also a Mormon mom, just like me, who started writing during naps and crazy hours of the night because that's when she had the time. Like me.
Naturally I think about what would happen if the stars aligned and my characters became as famous as Edward Cullen (which is impossible. Like when people say something's the "next Harry Potter" it's impossible because nothing will ever be so big again) but the idea my stuff could be big scares me.
But that's not going to happen to me, really. Heck, I'll be lucky if I ever get published. (I will, I will, I have to believe I will...)
I'm just trying to manage the fear of handing something so emotionally and mentally revealing into the hands of people I know and speak with everyday. They'll know its what I dream about and how I think and I'm scared of what they'll think of me. I'm scared! I'll admit it.
I want to revise my book to death before I let anyone see it. And I will-- don't get ancy thinking you'll get to see it for the next six months-- I have to let it sit before I even work on it myself-- and I'll probably clutch the manuscript white knuckled while you pry it out of my hands just to read the title.
*phew* I have to lose all my pride and let go.
Which should be healthy, no? Wish me luck.